Friday, February 25, 2005

Ottawa, City From the Mars.

I am a Canadian (this is not a beer commercial). There are certain things I was taught during my education that I thought were true and later found out were bull sweat (Stupid adsence agreement and its prejudice against excessive profanity! They never gave me a quota either so I don't know what excessive is.) I was taught things like "socialism works and Canada is a perfect middle ground between the US and the USSR". (I had a lot of former hippies as teachers).

Another howler they taught me which I only found out today is not true is this: "Ottawa is the capital of Canada and has been in existence for some time now". The truth is that Ottawa is not the old home of the country's government, a city of over a million people. It is, in fact, a newly arrived settlement from Mars. Yes, you read that correctly - newly arrived.

The CBC article that indirectly informed me of this shocking news, Three pit bulls attack toddler in Ottawa may seem to be irrelevant to the disclosure but as I read further down I encountered this quote:

Just five weeks earlier, the same dogs attacked a boy who was skating on a rink just steps from his house."

and then:

"After the January encounter, the owner was fined $2,100 on nine charges. The animals were ordered muzzled and properly enclosed.

However, the dogs were never seized or destroyed. The city said it doesn't have the authority to do either."

What? What the? There have been news stories from all over the continent for years about dog attacks and one thing that is a staple of all these stories is that if a dog bites a human, the dog gets put down. The owner may get jail, a fine or a judge may just wave his finger at the owner, but the dog is always seized, watched for rabies and but down. The only way the city of Ottawa could not have know that this is how things work is if:

A) The city has never had a dog bite incident.

B) The city council has never seen one of these dog bite stories in the news.

C) The city council does not know that it is incompetent if they do not have proper animal control laws.

One is drawn, via the reasoning skills that were taught to us in the public school system to the only rasinuble contusion that Ottawa is a very recent visitor to our planet.

Hail newcomers! Welcome. I can see from the rest of the article that you have already taken control of the entire province of Ontario.

"All this comes as Ontario considers a new law to ban pit bulls."

You see, an earthling would have seen that such a law would have to be passed again after a Doberman attack and after a rottweiler attack and after a german shepherd attack etc. An earthling might even ignore the idea of banning breeds as stupid and instead pass laws making owners criminally and financially responsible for the proper raising and confinement of their animals. They might, at a bare minimum ensure that the animals could be seized after trying to rip chunks of flesh off of a child and three adults. But who am I to question an advanced alien civilization from Mars.

And to those dog owners who like to let their dogs run around an urban neighborhood unleashed, crapping (that is not profane right) wherever they like and then say something like "Well he is such a gentle dog, he never jumped over a fence and committed horrible acts before!?!?" I would say, "Neither did your mother until the night she conceived you."


At Sat Feb 26, 01:38:00 AM 2005, Blogger Brad Warbiany said...

Are you kidding? That's not even a story compared to this. It seems a tiger got loose and started roaming Southern California, near schools, shopping malls, highways, etc. So they shot it.

Now there's a vigil and PETA is all up in arms.

At Sat Feb 26, 07:09:00 PM 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

I wonder if the tiger had (tranquilized or not) run out on that highway in front of a minivan full of kids what the owner would have said. "It never escaped and caused a traffic accident before?!?!"

The only people that should own a tiger are reputable zoos with large enclosures and pimping... I mean breeding programs and those people who run rescue enclosures for those animals that were formerly owned by nut bucketsand can't be put in zoos. All this tiger's owner had to do is drop a quarter to the authorities and the chances of tranquilizing it in a safe location would have gone up. At least California seems to have some laws against this kind of thing. I say that if one community in North America gets caught without common sense animal control laws after this their politicians should have such laws tattooed on their foreheads.


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