Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Condoleezza Rice Tries to Snub Canada

UPDATE: Even Jesus' favorite newspaper says not to blame Canada. So there Condi, you sinner!

Condoleezza Rice will not be visiting Canada as planned, leading Canadians everywhere to almost care.

every time an American politician notices Canada it is to:

A) Announce an intention to violate trade deals or make claims that Canada is doing so, only to be proven wrong later by the dispute resolution bodies.

B) Criticize Canada.

C) Ask for an annoying favor.

In a recent Canadian Press article some of the possible consequences are discussed by "analysts" all of them apparently good (the consequences not the analysts).

"
One U.S. official emitted a deep, extended laugh when asked for an assessment of the prime minister and said Canada no longer qualifies as a trusted ally." Thank God. I love America but we have been hoping the U.S. would stop trusting us since before the second world war. The more the U.S. trusts us the more they ask of us and the less credit we get when we obey.

Why do nations need to pretend to be friends? They are lifeless soulless political entities that have interests and goals the way a program can have interests or goals (download a file, detect a spelling mistake) but they don't have friends.
It is like this whole patriotism crap. If you are loving something that can't love you back there is something wrong with you. Likewise if you think of your country as having friends or of another country as hurting it's feelings, you need to look in the mirror and admit out loud - "I am a nut bucket." Nations can cooperate; they can not befriend each other. If your view of a people is governed by how your nation feels about their nation you are mentally unsound. I have witnessed and been repulsed by this all my life with Canadians who define their identity by being not American and now, thanks to the Internet, I can witness it on right-wing American web sites where Canada is a sissy and America should stop playing with "her". I can now also watch the same behavior from anonymous U.S. officials in the press.

"
If he had any hope the United States would help him create his cherished G-20 group of world leaders, those hopes may have been extinguished permanently." Nothing against Paul Martin's glorious vision but why is another group of heads of state crowding together, tying up traffic and attracting left-wing nut bucket protestors while they pontificate a good idea again? And why are 20 of these bums meeting better than 7? I am sure Paul will get over the loss and I am sure we will all be better for it.

Analysts (which is technically what I am right now so why anyone should listen to them and not me is unclear) are quick to point out that this should not directly affect our trade relations...

"
But Canada's refusal to sign on to the missile plan could further marginalize its concerns and interests when trade-related issues like softwood lumber appear before U.S. Congress, said one Calgary observer."

Lets hope so you cute little Calgary observer (is that a job title and if so how many are there?), because when these interests were not marginalized we were kind of getting the shaft.

In short, tell Condi that we were sorry she could not make it but I am sure the Dew-Drop Inn where we were going to put her up will be able to book the room to someone else in time - possibly to one of the many Calgary observers who no doubt vacation in Ottawa. If any other U.S. politicians would like to snub Canada please feel free to do so. It seems to be a win-win situation.

And please Mr President, (I know you read this blog don't try to deny it) could you not come to Canada to improve relations anymore? It really is not something you are very good at.

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