Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Could the Republican Party Please Stop Loving Canada. For Real This Time!

Before I get to the point of this post I need to clear up something, just to make sure we are all on the same page.

I was watching the left-wing but very witty show "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on the Communist Broadcasting Corporation (I love the way Canadian state entities call themselves crown "corporations". Kind of like the way communist countries always called themselves "Peoples' Democratic..." such and such.)

Anyway... 22 minutes showed a clip of Pat Buchanan saying that the U.S. Of A. does not need any lectures from "Soviet Canuckistan" (that means us up here in Canada for you who don't speak Buchanier). Now 22 minutes rightly pointed out that our official name is "The Dominion of Soviet Canuckistan". But this clip brings me to the item which I want to clear up.

Pat Buchanan claims to be a Republican and he tries to talk the talk by throwing around insults like "soviet" and such. Does this actually fool any Americans? I mean even the least intelligent members of every nation have a basic degree of incredulity don't they? If Pat said he was a leprechaun with magical powers, most Americans would be able to figure out what he was full of without doing an exploratory surgery, right? Likewise Patty-o's claim to be on the right are not taken seriously by any American over the age of four, right? For God's sake, someone - tell me I'm right!

Let us see:

---Pat hates free trade.

---He supports protectionism at every level of society; believing that one of the principle purposes of the state is to protect consumers from getting high quality at the lowest prices (consumerism!) and to make sure that large American companies can use their purchasing power to gain access to high quality and highly tariffed resources and services from other countries, which smaller American companies can not do.

---He effectively wants the state to decide which companies and industries are likely to provide jobs now and in the future and use its power to shield these companies from their competitors within and outside the country.

---He defends this leftist platform by claiming that he is protecting American workers. Hmmm, sounds like he is planning a real good old workers' paradise.

---He does not seem to trust the Middle East with the responsibility of democracy (one wonders who he does trust with it).

All of this is assuming he has not had a complete brain transplant since he last campaigned for the Republican presidential nomination. His article above suggests that is not the case. That campaign was the last time that any media organization was stupid enough to give him a national forum for his views on anything but the slowest news day.

It is obvious that at some point during his "education" Pat Buchanan read a favorable review of "The Wealth of Nations" by Adam Smith and thought it was referring to "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx. I never thought I would say this about anyone but Pat-oramma is even too left-wing to be comfortable in Canada. When he refers to Canada as "soviet", it is not a conscious attempt to insult but a Freudian slip of wishful thinking. In fact, when you throw in his distrust of foreigners and their corrupting influence, I am unable to think of a single non religious, non facial hair related difference between Fidel Castro and Pat Buchanan. Granted that Patty-o man does not seem to want to imprison his critics. Though, he has yet to be elected as president for life has he not? It might be a good prediction for a scientific experiment to see if Pat and Fidel were separated at birth. Give the Buchanier the post of president for life and clock the rate at which he starts arresting journalists, economists and human rights activists. Compare with Fideler on the roof and also compare their genes for signs of a recent common ancestor ("Fideler on the roof" is not an anti-Jewish joke [Shalom!], I am just running out of clever plays on peoples' names. I can't let Canuckistan be the most clever turn of phrase in this post.)

Now the criticism that Canada is too left wing and should not be lecturing the U.S. is perfectly sound. (Though this is ironic given the number of riot acts our country has had to sit through from every American politician - head of state on down to penny-ante senators and congressmen. Like becoming a congress man qualifies you for anything. Most states elect any guy with a law degree. But I digress.) Pat Buchanan's faculties however, are anything but sound and listening to him criticize us for being too left-wing is like having one of those Sesame Street muppets who can't count past five criticize your math skills; it's not really a message that is going to be received by its target audience. Patato Buchanan is analogous to a soviet muppet. Not to mention the physical resemblance. I wonder if the U.N. hires muppets? Pat would be a natural there. After reading this you could refer to my last post about the U.N. for insights as to why Pat and the U.N. would make a nice match.

Now that we all agree that Pat is the type of guy that wants to take the irony out of the term "red state" (in other words he is so far to the left that he needs a hammer and a sickle to reach an itch on the right side of his ass) because those who disagreed have had their heads explode with the pressure of holding contradictory belief systems, I can move on to the point of the post.
Unbeknownst to most Americans, there are more than one political position in Canada. In fact, we are so diverse politically that we have two types of left-wing people in Canada (there used to be two types of right-wing people in Canada but they all went into a room together and one type disappeared!!!). There are the hemp wearing/rock throwing peace protester and university social science left of the N.D.P., Sheila Copps and that pseudo-chick who swore like a sailor when anyone mentioned Americans or Bush. (She has now returned to the left shore of the primordial ooze.) This left is hereafter known as the loony left. There is also the socially liberal center-left who are truly in power. While financially corrupt like all governments, they can at least balance a budget (they are officially known as the Liberal Party of Canada but are hereafter referred to as the reigning left).

The reigning left, until recently respected America but then the Bush administration started to campaigning on behalf of the loony left in Canada by pissing on the reigning left for pretending to have its own foreign and domestic policy. Bush hopes to achieve regime change in Canada by destabilizing the minority government of the reigning left and hopes this will play out well for the right-wing opposition party in the next election. They quietly support missile defense and the idea of sending Canadian troupes to Iraq proper rather than having them pound sand in Jordan, training Iraqi police. Unfortunately for all concerned, Bush is not as good at overthrowing a popular democratic state through subtle political maneuvering as the U.S. armed forces are at overthrowing unpopular dictators by kicking ass. In addition to strengthening the position of the loony left in this country with his and his party's angry parent of the continent act over the last three months, he has put the right-wing opposition party of Canada, the one group of Canadians that wants to be on his side, in a position where they can not win for trying. He tells them that they should be more vocal on pro-Bush issues like missile defense which are very unpopular in Canada. This means they either agree and look like weak willed ass kissers who can't stick up even for their own performance as the opposition under American criticism let alone the sovereignty of the nation, or they stand up against these pressures and alienate the core right-wing support that the party of the right depends on.

Bush has managed to destabilize the political landscape in Canada. To bad he tilted it the wrong way. When the next Canadian election comes about, either the right will collapse again after struggling to restore its legitimacy and give Prime Minister Martin's party a return to majority (this is the best outcome Bush can hope for now) or the voters will toss out any reigning left representatives who seemed too close to U.S. interests and support the loony left to the extent that the reigning left will need their support to form and maintain a minority government. If the Republicans thought that dealing with Canada was aggravating in the past, just wait till they have to deal with the "improvements" they have been encouraging. Meanwhile they at least can ignore Canada for 99% of the year. I on the other hand need to live hear full time. Thank you Bush, you are a putz!

I renew my call for the U.S.A. to stop trying to improve relations with Canada at least until they can find someone who is competent to act as a mediator. Cut off relations with us now before you turn my nation into the next failed state and potential terrorist threat. I am begging you, don't do to us what you did to Cuba. If you want to know why Canada is even more left-wing and anti-American these days ask the Republicans. They seem to want it this way. We had been headed in the other direction for some time before they started to love us so much. Thank you Republicans, (See above comment on Bush.)

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