Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Germany tries for Title of 'Earth's Stupidest Nation'

There are a lot of contenders but Germany has broken into the lead with a retro goose-step into bygone days.

This was the same country where the gay community were worried that if the zookeepers knew which penguins were gay they would use that information to trample the birds' civil rights.

Looks like they should have spent more time promoting civil rights for humans. They need not worry though, Nazis always come for the Jews and foreigners first so the gay community can get all the penguins to safety before they need to worry. Perhaps they could just paint over the black feathers and tell the Nazis that they are seagulls. Nazis are stupid enough to believe anything. Especially today's crop. Not exactly military geniuses and experts in social engineering. Today's Nazi is more like


Posted by Hello

clones of Beavis and Butthead after a trip to Chernobyl. Notice how 3 of them have their mouths open - this poster was done for a skinhead audience hoping to make themselves look heroic. Let us make some observations. The guy on the far right (no pun intended) is playing with his nipple while making an obscene facial expression. God only knows where his other hand is. The guy next to him is helping out by pointing. (Probably the brains of the outfit.) The guy in the foreground is leading the charge by standing still. He has started punching before there is anyone close enough to hit. (Why waste time, Nazis are nothing if not efficient.) Peter Pan-zer (second from left) has learned to fly and is readying his hand to shoot lightning like the emperor in Return of the Jedi. And the guy on the far left has a club. He must be the guy who keeps the group informed about the latest technologies. Only two of them seem to have figured out how suspenders work. All of them seem to be constantly wading through something which they don't want touching their pant cuffs, possibly their own horse-shit.

The poster is called (snicker) Skinhead Glory and the description on the site which sells it is pretty funny in its own right:

Description:
Radiating courage (I think it is radiating from their slack-jawed mouths but that might just be halitosis)

Impact: A Skinhead can tell you what glory he feels and what purity he embodies. (I am sure he can though not with multi-syllabic words.) In defending his home, neighborhood and homeland his patriotism really radiates, (from whichever orifice the courage is radiating from no doubt) as he offers strength courage, brotherhood, hope and victory to his compatriots and countrymen. (Thanks for the free offer but the product is defective. Please return to sender.)
Now just as not all Germans are Nazis, to be fair, not all Nazis are bald. They do seem to manage to scare up several

over-stuffed Bavarians
who can scrape together enough hair follicles to look (almost) respectable.

What should Germany get if it elects a fascist party and thus wins the title of 'Earth's Stupidest Nation'? How about we cryogenicly freeze their governments and supporters. As they thaw out it will mitigate global warming and by the time they can lift a frosty "Zig heil" again they will be centuries behind the rest of the world. They will be a bunch of anachronistic primitives, alone in a world they don't understand...

Wait a minute, maybe that already happened. Perhaps it was a condition of the end of the second world war and they are thawing out early. Ok which allied nation forgot to pay the electric bill on the Nazi freezer? Oh crap, that was the Soviet Union's job wasn't it? Damn Soviets can't get anything right.

I'm talkin' about you Putin! I know you're reading this.

2 Comments:

At Thu May 19, 09:14:00 PM 2005, Blogger alice said...

Wow, apesnake, your writing is superb. I've seen some of your comments on "enlightened caveman" and I clicked on your name which was mentioned on "libertopia".

If you are not writing for a living you should be. Your style is as good or better than anything I've been reading these days.

I'll be back and hopefully you will write something I can comment on.

This piece is priceless.

 
At Thu May 19, 09:36:00 PM 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

Thanks so much for your comments. I started this blog for three main reasons:

1) Because I got so sick of hearing the word "blog" that I thought I should jump on the band wagon before it ran me over.
2) To provide myself with a web page that had interesting links.

3) To practice my writing skills.

I don't write for a living; I am currently studying for a Baccalaureate of Medical Laboratory Science, but it is great to hear that you like the quality of my humble prose. If the petri dish and stool sample business does not work out I will have something to fall back on.

I enjoyed doing this piece especially. While Nazis may be too easy a target, it is sometimes fun to hit an easy pitch out of the park.

Thanks for the comment, I will try to not let it go to my head.

 

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