Sunday, August 14, 2005

DARK MAN! (Or Was It DARKMAN!?)

If you have never seen the movie Dark Man the following post will make no sense. God knows (agnostic/atheistic and hypothetically speaking of course) that I could only watch the first hour or so of it and it made no sense to me. As an expert in finding meaning where none is present, that is saying something.

It started out being kind of interesting. It was being broadcast on the Space (the imagination station) channel so I was waiting for something weird to happen. It opened (after some symmetrical smoke effects) with a bunch of gangsters muscling in on another bunch of gangsters and this was after the first group had been searched. But one of the first group had a fake leg (of course this meant they had to do that old joke about being engaged to a girl with a wooden leg but having to break it off - a joke that was funny back in the Sumerian period) but guess what? The fake leg was an automatic weapon! Okay, that was almost clever. Certainly demonstrating forethought and creative thinking on the part of the first gang right? Just wait.

So the scene switches and we find that there is some scientist guy (one of the few times Hollywood has portrayed a scientist who is not trying to create a monster or take over the world or just bumbling along into catastrophe) and his lab assistant (the Hollywood script machine had called for some diversity and since the last visible minority was a gangster, the lab assistant was predictably Asian - guess who is going to die soon) were trying to stabilize "liquid skin" so that replacement noses could be printed out from a Xerox machine. It seems that the cells/witches' brew they were using was only stable in the dark. Hence if anyone needs to use this stuff they will no doubt be christened "Dark Man".

Anyway...

The gangster types attack the lab for reasons which can be explained but are of no interest. They kill the Asian lab assistant (he offers up one or two karate moves which prove to Hollywood that he is Asian and prove to the world that he is no Jackie Chan) and then they burned, mutilated and exploded scientist guy, leaving his girlfriend a widow (figure that one out if you can). Part of this was carried out by shooting up the lab with that fake leg again. Yes, it was not some clever tactic - they always use this guy's leg while he hops around doing nothing. But the burned mutilated and exploded corps of science guy lands in the river and guess what? He survives.

He is taken to the hospital where everyone assumes he is homeless because he was found washed up on the homeless side of town (brilliant inductive reasoning). They cut the nerve that carries pain to the brain (which contrary to what I would have thought, runs exclusively through the outer neck) and because he can no longer feel pain, his brain is "starved for input" which means his emotions are amplified and his adrenalin surges (Man I can not believe I am wasting all this money on university when Hollywood could have taught me biology).

Now because of the adrenalin he is kept strapped down to a wheel and constantly rotated. The straps I can understand but why he needs to be constantly spun like the second hand of a clock is something that is beyond me. Maybe it is just fun to spin burned-up homeless guys on big wheels. I have never tried it so I can't say.

At this point the doctor tells her students that she personally would put this guy on "a 9 on the buzzard scale."

Um, OKAY... I guess the buzzard scale is something they wait till med school to teach.

Now I know it is always popular for Hollywood script writers to make either scientists or doctors look positively inhuman but really - was this hack of a screen writer traumatized by a rectal thermometer when he was a lad or something?

So anyway science guy escapes (predictably) and starts up his research again in some old abandoned refinery (his old lab being too exploded to get any real science done). He is there working on his liquid skin when the starts bawling because the gangsters "took my hands". The thing is that they did not! They are right in front of him. He is screaming right at them! Sure he is a burned-up, mutilated and exploded ball of goo but there is no need to make stuff up. "Your hands are right there you suck!" I screamed to myself. This is the point where I knew it was time to turn off the TV and forget about Dark Man or Dim Man as I would call him.

Let's just pretend the movie ended there and move on with our lives.

9 Comments:

At Sun Aug 14, 03:08:00 PM 2005, Anonymous Eric said...

Wow, you got further than I did! I never made it to the "they took my hands" scene because the whole "spin him on the wheel" thing did it for me.

 
At Mon Aug 15, 12:28:00 AM 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

Man the things you get to do when you work in a hospital. No wonder the drugs are so expensive, they have been skimming off the top of the pill jars.

Speeking of pills, here is something interesting:

http://jedmiller.com/gei/index.html

 
At Mon Aug 15, 01:09:00 AM 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your blog! You did an excellent job! I have a blog on xbox360 exposed if you would like to come and comment on it!

 
At Mon Aug 15, 01:55:00 AM 2005, Blogger Gyrobo said...

Sounds like an interesting movie. Perhaps, one day, I shall choose to take the time to watch it. But it's more likely that I'll forget about it in five minutes. Pity.

 
At Mon Aug 15, 01:09:00 PM 2005, Blogger alice said...

since you seem to be a weird movie buff, I am wondering if you ever saw "Memento". If not, it's worth a watch. I even predict you'll watch the whole thing.

 
At Mon Aug 15, 01:10:00 PM 2005, Blogger alice said...

and BTW That's "weird movie buff", not "weird movie buff".

 
At Wed Aug 17, 02:49:00 PM 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

Anonymous:

Your blog seems to be very exclusive because Blogger tells me that the page was not found. I guess you have to tip someone to get in. Either that or the name "Xbox360 exposed" made Blogger nervous about lawsuits and they vaporized you. (Just wait till they find out that I chuckled at Scientology - They will freak.)

Gyrobo: If you ever see some bandaged guy on a tilted merry-go-round you will remember and you can scream out "They took my hands!" Everyone in the room will think you are nuts until that scene comes on then thy will think you are a prophet. I started reading your blog but I think I had better take it slow so I don't damage my brain. I have already decided that the stories of the scones are literally true and this fills me with dread.

Alice - I am both a weird movie buff and a buff of weird movies. I never saw Memento and I thought those were the little red things they stick in olives after they surgically remove their pits. I always assumed they were meant to stop the olives from bleeding to death before you could eat them.

 
At Thu Aug 18, 02:32:00 AM 2005, Blogger alice said...

no, no, no you are wrong about mementos. Some weekend this winter, when you are sick to death of being a Canadian, rent this movie. You will be well rewarded.

 
At Thu Aug 18, 10:38:00 PM 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

"Some weekend this winter, when you are sick to death of being a Canadian, rent this movie."

That does not narrow it down much so I guess I will do it during the first weekend of winter or as we call it up here, late autumn. I will even get some olives and pimento loaf sandwiches to compliment the popcorn.

 

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