DARK MAN! (Or Was It DARKMAN!?)
If you have never seen the movie Dark Man the following post will make no sense. God knows (agnostic/atheistic and hypothetically speaking of course) that I could only watch the first hour or so of it and it made no sense to me. As an expert in finding meaning where none is present, that is saying something.
It started out being kind of interesting. It was being broadcast on the Space (the imagination station) channel so I was waiting for something weird to happen. It opened (after some symmetrical smoke effects) with a bunch of gangsters muscling in on another bunch of gangsters and this was after the first group had been searched. But one of the first group had a fake leg (of course this meant they had to do that old joke about being engaged to a girl with a wooden leg but having to break it off - a joke that was funny back in the Sumerian period) but guess what? The fake leg was an automatic weapon! Okay, that was almost clever. Certainly demonstrating forethought and creative thinking on the part of the first gang right? Just wait.
So the scene switches and we find that there is some scientist guy (one of the few times Hollywood has portrayed a scientist who is not trying to create a monster or take over the world or just bumbling along into catastrophe) and his lab assistant (the Hollywood script machine had called for some diversity and since the last visible minority was a gangster, the lab assistant was predictably Asian - guess who is going to die soon) were trying to stabilize "liquid skin" so that replacement noses could be printed out from a Xerox machine. It seems that the cells/witches' brew they were using was only stable in the dark. Hence if anyone needs to use this stuff they will no doubt be christened "Dark Man".
The gangster types attack the lab for reasons which can be explained but are of no interest. They kill the Asian lab assistant (he offers up one or two karate moves which prove to Hollywood that he is Asian and prove to the world that he is no Jackie Chan) and then they burned, mutilated and exploded scientist guy, leaving his girlfriend a widow (figure that one out if you can). Part of this was carried out by shooting up the lab with that fake leg again. Yes, it was not some clever tactic - they always use this guy's leg while he hops around doing nothing. But the burned mutilated and exploded corps of science guy lands in the river and guess what? He survives.
He is taken to the hospital where everyone assumes he is homeless because he was found washed up on the homeless side of town (brilliant inductive reasoning). They cut the nerve that carries pain to the brain (which contrary to what I would have thought, runs exclusively through the outer neck) and because he can no longer feel pain, his brain is "starved for input" which means his emotions are amplified and his adrenalin surges (Man I can not believe I am wasting all this money on university when Hollywood could have taught me biology).
Now because of the adrenalin he is kept strapped down to a wheel and constantly rotated. The straps I can understand but why he needs to be constantly spun like the second hand of a clock is something that is beyond me. Maybe it is just fun to spin burned-up homeless guys on big wheels. I have never tried it so I can't say.
At this point the doctor tells her students that she personally would put this guy on "a 9 on the buzzard scale."
Um, OKAY... I guess the buzzard scale is something they wait till med school to teach.
Now I know it is always popular for Hollywood script writers to make either scientists or doctors look positively inhuman but really - was this hack of a screen writer traumatized by a rectal thermometer when he was a lad or something?
So anyway science guy escapes (predictably) and starts up his research again in some old abandoned refinery (his old lab being too exploded to get any real science done). He is there working on his liquid skin when the starts bawling because the gangsters "took my hands". The thing is that they did not! They are right in front of him. He is screaming right at them! Sure he is a burned-up, mutilated and exploded ball of goo but there is no need to make stuff up. "Your hands are right there you suck!" I screamed to myself. This is the point where I knew it was time to turn off the TV and forget about Dark Man or Dim Man as I would call him.
Let's just pretend the movie ended there and move on with our lives.