Sunday, August 21, 2005

Faith Based Happy Meals.

Pat Robertson has almost earned my respect (funny - as I typed that I felt my bowels vibrate at an unusual frequency). Reverend P. R. has put his tax exempt status in jeopardy in order to share the "age-defying" properties of his diet shake with the world. Talk about putting your money where your mouth is. He has given away the recipe for free before but he seems to feel that General Nutrition Corp. can make it in bulk so cheaply that overweight people who are afraid of aging will pay for the stuff. This sounds like slightly less of a long-shot then obtaining eternal life by listening to anything Pat spoons out. Speaking of spooning out, part of the shake's recipe includes "ingredients such as safflower oil, protein powder and vinegar." This is pretty strong evidence, if any more were needed, that televangelists have absolutely no taste.

It is a good thing that Reverend P. R. has a law degree called a juris doctor so he can call himself Dr. Robertson. It must be quite useful now that he is marketing "anti-aging" diet drinks. Though, to be honest, he does have some experience in the medical field. He created a multilevel marketing firm called
Kalo-Vita which sold "nutritional supplements, cosmetics, a weight-management program" and such. If he keeps this up he will be a godless atheistic scientist before he knows it. Or at least a godless atheistic pseudo-scientist - but hey, baby steps.

If Dr. P. R. is able to keep his tax exempt status he might think about starting a chain of drive-through restaurants with a 700 club theme. You could pick up your Age-Defying Diet Shake with some Faith Fries and an extra large ham and baloney sandwich called a Born Again Bunwich. He could give out free toys to the kids; action figures like John the Baptist with detachable head or a pop-up Lazareth figurine.

I am going to hell aren't I? Oh well. Pat is older than me so he can save me a seat.

I wonder if the Pope will counter with a chain of Catholic Cafe's. Starbucks of Bethlehem - no, that would get them sued (even more than usual). I have it! Virgin Mocha. They could have coffee served out of weeping Madonna statues and they could sell special buns which when you slice into them have the images of saints drawn in with cinnamon.

As long as I am going to hell on an ever steeper log-ride how about the following faith-based corporate ventures:

Jihadi Travel and Tourism. Where you can go anywhere you want for free as long as you are willing to blow up once you get there.

Southern Baptist Southern BBQ Our sauces are sinful but we practice full immersion on all wings and ribs.

Buddhist Bakeries If you don't think our dharma donuts are holy we will give you your money back! (Not necessarily in your current lifetime.)

Hindu Hardware With dozens of sales staff and thousands of gods we are sure to have what you are looking for (even if you can't find it and some of our sales gurus keep leading you down the wrong
aisle over and over again).

Jehovah's Witness' Watchtower Watch Repair Because when the world ends you do not want to be running late.


At Mon. Aug. 22, 12:12:00 p.m. 2005, Blogger Bloggard said...

heh heh heh. That was brilliant.

At Mon. Aug. 22, 02:40:00 p.m. 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

Divinely inspired perhaps.

At Tue. Aug. 23, 11:35:00 a.m. 2005, Anonymous Sunni said...

Hilarious! Thanks.

At Tue. Aug. 23, 09:56:00 p.m. 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

The pleasure was mine.


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