Saturday, October 08, 2005

Wow Indiana! Just... Wow!

I said I would comment more on the Indiana reproduction regulations. It might seem pointless since everyone else in the known universe has done so now, including someone named Peter Svensson who notes that under this law, the Virgin Mary would have been committing a criminal act, but you don't improve your writing skills unless you practice and this thing is just so unbelievably funny in an I-am-ready-for-my-shock-treatment-now-nurse kind of way.

I will paste in the list of things which a "licensed child placing agency" must ask from the prospective parents [note the "s" on parents - no Murphy Brown types need apply] before those parents can be approved for assistance in reproducing. This list is not the only insane thing about the law but it is where the insanity really shines through. I will add my observations in blue and nice chunky brackets like these [] .

(1) The intended parents' purpose for the assisted reproduction. ["Livestock... I mean nurturing!"]

(2) The fertility history of the intended parents, including the pregnancy history and response to pregnancy losses of the woman. [Let's not dance around the pool here - had an abortion when you were younger? No kids for you, ever! Is there a column for fertility history before being cleansed by the holy spirit and one for after?]

(3) An acknowledgment by the intended parents that the child may not be the biological child of at least one (1) [Thanks for the brackets Indiana. We never would have known what "o-n-e" meant.] of the intended parents depending on the type of artificial reproduction procedure used. [Just in case people come in to a fertility clinic not knowing how these things work. What kind of eugenics program makes allowances for stupid people? Oh yah, one dreamed up by Indiana Republicans. Note to Republican national party: Next convention tell Indiana that the meeting is being held in France.]

(4) A list of the intended parents' family and friend support system. [So that when the parents are off with the kennel club they won't have to leave the kid with some teenager like the common people do.]

(5) A plan for sharing any known genetic information with the child. [Scientists just sequenced the genome of the chimpanzee and the rice plant, your kid is going to need a tutor. Are these not the people on the same side of the culture war as those who believe that genes are overrated and not really relevant to biology?]

(6) Personal information about each intended parent, including the following:
(A) Family of origin. [No Jews or Catholics. Must know father's name]
(B) Values. ["Secular humanism, separation of church and state, protecting the sanctity of the traditional definition of marriage"]
(C) Relationships. ["Does this include extra-marital sexual partners? 'Cause if so I am going to need to write on the back of this form."]
(D) Education. [Must have a higher I.Q. than the smartest Indiana lawmaker.]
(E) Employment and income. [Must be less than zero for the mother-to-be. Must be high enough to donate to the Republican party for the father-to-be. Since welfare and Medicaid do not generally pay for invitro one wonders who they think is coming in with thousands of dollars wanting to get knocked up.]
(F) Hobbies and talents. [What? Is Indiana looking to breed a generation of circus performers (to go with the circus freaks in their legislature)? Or is there a talent competition involved in the implantation procedure? Lady, if you can juggle these sponges for three minutes we will jack up the fertility drugs and give you quints for no extra charge.]
(G) Physical description, including the general health of the individual. [Just check one of the boxes: sexy, nonsexy, ugo!]
(H) Birth verification. [So you claim that you were born. Do you have any proof of that?]
(I) Personality description, including the strengths and weaknesses of each intended parent. ["Honest, paranoid, delusional, narcissistic. No weaknesses"]

(7) Description of any children residing in the intended parents' home. ["Ugly and stupid - that is why we are trying the donated sperm deal."]

(8) A verification and evaluation of the intended parents' marital relationship [Please note that only traditional marriages of one (1) man and one or more (> or = 1) women or female animal count], including:
(A) the shared values and interests between the individuals; [Funny how this is not included as personal information like question 6. I guess to a politician nothing outside their own life is really personal.]
(B) the manner in which conflict between the individuals is resolved; [dueling pistols] and
(C) a history of the intended parents' relationship. [Don't be afraid to get graphic and explicit. At least 20 thousand words please!]

(9) Documentation of the dissolution of any prior marriage and an assessment of the impact of the prior marriage on the intended parents' relationship. ["She messed me up good! I am still in therapy over that one."]

(10) A description of the family lifestyle of the intended parents, include a description of individual participation in faith-based or church activities, hobbies, and other interests. [If you do not want your assessment going straight into the trash you need to include one faith-based activity. Try mentioning your church's Bible Study Hot-tub Club.]

(11) The intended parents' child rearing expectations and values. ["We expect this to go way smother than our last attempt at child rearing."]

(12) A description of the home and community, including verification of the safety and security of the home. [Are there any minorities in your neighborhood? Do you have bars on the windows?]

(13) Child care plans. ["Cage in the basement." Seriously, do they expect you to file the first year of breakfast menus or something?]

(14) Statement of the assets, liabilities, investments, and ability of the intended parents to manage finances, including the most recently filed tax forms. [Are you sure you will be able to support the child given what your lawmakers are going to do in regards to destroying the economy of Indiana?]

(15) A review of the local police records, the state and violent offender directory, and a criminal history check as set forth in subsection (c). [Once again those violent offenders keep coming in with suitcases full of money trying to get invitro procedures. Damn them all!]

(16) A letter of reference by a friend or family member. ["Dear Mr. Indiana lawmaker. Please allow my child to become a parent. He and or she is a very nice person and always comes over on Fridays to help me wash my dog."]

(17) A written consent from each donor, if known, to use of the donation in the assisted reproduction medical procedure. [Letter from sperm donor: "Uh yah, I totally give permission for the recipient of this, my willfully flung spooge, to use for what we all kinda know she is gonna use it for. He he he."]

(18) The recommendation for participation in assisted reproduction. [My friends recommended it. They say it is all the rage these days.]
Indiana. Please take a good long look at your lawmakers and then start a petition demanding that all people campaigning to be lawmakers in your state take an IQ test and psychological evaluation.

2 Comments:

At Tue Oct 11, 10:50:00 AM 2005, Anonymous Sunni said...

LMAO!!! Thanks, Apesnake!

 
At Wed Oct 12, 10:21:00 AM 2005, Blogger Apesnake said...

Glad you liked it.

 

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